The Power You Give to the Word “No”

Dr. David Rafeedie

The word “no” plays a big part in everyone’s life and it has since childhood. It isn’t a big word. Two letters, one syllable. We invest that little word with a great deal of power. I wouldn’t be surprised to find a war or two in human history that started with the word, “no.” It sure causes conflict in families!

That power can be used for good, or it can be used as a barrier to success. It is used for good if you need to establish boundaries for your health. Learning to say “no” to achieve a healthy balance in life is a good thing.

But if “no” is a barrier to you achieving your goals then you have invested it with the wrong kind of power. Many times that is one of the first words kids learn from their parents. Unfortunately for the parents, they soon hear it given right back at times.

I maintain the word “no” only has the power we give it. And we give it a lot of power. We give it so much power just hearing it causes fear to rise and stifle what we need to do. If you are in sales, the word “no” makes you reluctant to pick up the phone and make those necessary calls. Or it keeps you from walking into the door of a business you know would benefit from what you have to offer.

If you are on a recruiting mission to fill a position with a volunteer, the recruiter will often decide for the person without even talking to them. “They won’t do it; they are too busy.” “They won’t take on this role because they have young kids.” “They will say no because…” No, no, no.

When our son was young, he now is grown with a family of his own, the three of us went to watch a friend’s son play hockey. My wife and I climbed the bleachers to get a seat and about halfway up I looked to back to ensure our son was with us and noticed he wasn’t. I stopped and looked back. There he was at the bottom of the stairs, standing there with his legs spread and his hands on his hips in a defiant posture. I said, “C’mon Tommy, we need to sit down.” He remained standing and said, “No!”

Some of the parents near the ends of the benches seeing this were looking at him and then looking at me with smiles on their faces. I said, “C’mon son, let’s sit down.” “No!” he said. Now more people were looking, and there were audible chuckles from knowing parents. I became firmer, “Thomas (I always became formal when I was getting firm), let’s go, c’mon.” Predictably, he said “no” again. By now some of the chuckles in the crowd were laughs and a lot more people were looking at him and me.

I had no idea why our son chose to disobey. It’s not like we were asking him to share his favorite toy. We just wanted to find a seat. Here is where I had a choice. I could have chosen to be embarrassed—yes, I think that is a choice many times. I could have become angry and yelled. I could have kept going and waited until he decided to come up and join us on his own. I am sure he would have eventually. But then we would have to keep an eye on him to make sure he didn’t get into any mischief or in any trouble. And others would have been distracted too.

I made my decision. I didn’t do any of those things. I walked back down to the bottom of the bleachers where he was defiantly standing; picked him up and put him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and carried him to our seats. I almost got a standing ovation from the crowd.  We all settled in and had a great time at the hockey game.

I didn’t give his “no” much power over my actions or emotions. I did what was necessary, and we continued doing what we were there to do.

Everyone has that same choice when hearing the word “no.” And if you are in sales or on a recruiting mission, it isn’t like you don’t know you will hear it. It’s coming. But why let that little word “no” stop you from doing what you need to do to be successful. Choose not to give it that kind of power.

You have a choice when you hear the word “no.” You can give it the power to hinder what we should do next. You can allow it to be a barrier to your success. There is nothing to fear from the word “no.” It can’t harm you; it can’t beat you up, it can’t cause you emotional distress—unless you give it that power. 

You know you are going to hear that word. You are going to use that word. The best choice you can make is to decide ahead of time before you ever hear the word, you will keep doing what you are supposed to do.

What do you think?

Coaching can help you break through barriers that hinder your success as a leader. You will expand your capacity and the capacity of your team or organization. Email me at info@davidthecoach.com and let’s have a conversation and explore the possibilities.

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