What is So Frightening About Fear?
Dr. David Rafeedie
Dan Beaning (not his real name) had always had a sense that he could accomplish much more than he did achieve in life. He remembers the feeling that he could lead or perform more than people gave him credit. When they chose teams, he knew he was one of the better players but never stepped up. Being selected in the middle of the pack was typical. In school, he was an underachiever. As he grew, older people began to recognize that he had ability. They told him so. “I see leadership potential in you.” “You are brilliant. You can do much better than you are doing.” The same scenario continued when he joined the military. Superiors recognized his leadership, but he never took the leadership roles offered him. Soon they quit asking.
As he grew older, he became more and more disappointed in himself. He reflected on the causes. Self-awareness caused him to admit that fear kept him from reaching his potential. He couldn't pinpoint what scared him but knew fear militated against his success. Fear of responsibility? Fear of failure? Fear of the unknown? He felt he had the skill and knowledge to succeed at whatever he put his hand to but was too afraid to grasp the opportunities that would come his way. He looked back at his life with regret.
One can substitute many names for that of Dan’s. Perhaps you can see your name there. Fear is the great destroyer of potential and achievement. It stifles progress and crushes dreams. Fear has the potential to be so powerful as to shape a (your) future.
But fear has no power in and of itself. We tend to give fear power over us when we listen to its voice. Sometimes that is good but most of the time, in our world today, it is a mistake to do so.
Fear is a natural part of us. It can keep us safe in the face of danger and stop us from doing foolish things. For example, fear of gaining weight can save us from eating too many glazed sour cream donuts. It is a healthy fear that will allow us to avoid contact with a grizzly hiking in the Rockies. But for the most part, in the environment we live in, we do not have much to fear mortally.
How can we use fear, a natural part of our emotional system, to motivate us to greater things? Here are a couple of helpful ways to deal with fear when it speaks to us.
Ask the question; “Why am I feeling frightened?” Reflect on why you are feeling the way you do. Most of the time the fear is irrational. There is nothing to fear. I can pick up the phone and make the call with no harm coming to me. I can talk to people about the benefit of having a coach with the realization they may reject the idea, but they aren’t going to beat me up.
Recognize it for what it is, a natural part of who we are, and then move on. Make that phone call or knock on that door. Do what you have control over and don’t fear what the other person might say or do. You have no control over another person’s response to your sales pitch or idea, but you do have control over what you say and do.
Compete with the fear. Think of fear as a competitor in your favorite sport. You aren’t going lay down and do nothing on the sports field when your competitor shows up. You are going to play the game as hard as you can to win. Fight fear and beat it. Do the opposite of what your fear tells you to do. Do not give it the power to stop you from making that call or knocking on that door or having that conversation.
Focus on what gives you strength. That is different for everyone. For me, it is the Lord. He is far greater than I yet I know he cares for me and gives me the strength to pursue and succeed. For others, it might be a memory or a friend or family member. Whatever or whomever you gain your power from, focus on that.
Have a strong sense of who you are. For some reason, it is easier to focus on the times we have failed or the negative comments that come our way. But keep in the forefront of your mind the times you have succeeded. That time you overcame your fear and got the win.
Fear stops us from being successful when we let it when we allow its voice to drown out the voice of reason. Check out all of the fears that people struggle with in life: www.statisticbrain.com/fear-phobia-statistics/
What’s so frightening about fear? Nothing! As Franklin D. Roosevelt said in his first inaugural speech, “Only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” He was right in a sense. Fear is a natural part of our set of emotions, and we can use it to our benefit. To run from danger or to motivate us to achieve our goals and dreams. The choice is ours.
Growing up I was afraid of deep water, that would be any water over my head. And I’m not that tall! I am still scared of deep water. But in my mid-twenties I took swimming lessons—it was a 3-foot-deep pool. One thing I learned, besides how to swim, was that I floated like a cork. You couldn’t sink me if you tried. I could hardly get under the water I was so buoyant. I was still afraid of deep water. Then one summer we house sat for my wife’s uncle while he was away. I was determined to swim from one end of the pool to the other as any “normal” person would. I intentionally told myself, “I float like a cork; there is no way for me to sink.” “I know how to swim.” Finally, after getting in the shallow end and staring at the deep end for some time, I made my move. I kicked off the shallow end of the pool and made my way to the other end. Then I went back and continued this routine for some time. My fear never left me, but I set it aside.
I practiced the tools above. I reminded myself that of the facts—I float, and I swim. My fear is irrational. Is it possible for someone who swims and floats like a buoy to drown? Of course! But the chances of that happening in that pool were extremely small. I even had my wife standing by as a lifeguard!
Fear can manifest itself in any situation. It could be our professional life. There are myriad challenges to overcome and conquer. Whether you are an executive with responsibility for the bottom line or a salesperson staring at the phone that needs to be picked up and used, fear can mitigate success. Significant transitions in life can also cause concern. Wondering “What’s next?” may be the big question that needs answering. Knowing what is next may be a source of anxiety that requires successful navigating.
Working together with the right coach can help you overcome your fear. Coaching can lead to clarity in circumstances or situations that seem murky. It is a proven tool to help you on your journey toward achieving your goals and dreams or in some cases, help you discover what those goals and dreams are.
How does one find the right coach? Look at the resume. Check out the training and the background. Examine the credentials. Talk to a prospective coach. A good coach will take the time to find out who you are and give you an idea of who he or she is. Coaching is about relationship and working together to help you achieve your goals and dreams.