The Agony of Defeat
Dr. David Rafeedie
Most people hate to fail. They even hate the word “failure.” Failure. It is a word that strikes fear in the strongest of people. It is an experience children are taught to avoid. Failure is a concept that has been condemned ever since Adam and Eve blew it in the Garden.
In 1970 Vinko Bokataj was a young skier from Yugoslavia who became perhaps the most famous skier to have ever lived. Vinko was participating in the world ski flying championships [in Germany]. He had a beautiful jump of 410 feet. He soared into the air with an air of grace. But that wasn’t what made him famous. What made him famous was his next jump which was a disaster. It was so bad ABC spliced it into their opening for the famous weekly Wide World of Sports. Over and over again millions watched Vinko’s failure with the tag line, “The agony of defeat.” Life didn’t end for Vinko after that failure, and he didn’t allow it to define him. He went on to become an award-winning artist whose paintings are displayed in Europe and North America. www.espn.com/olympics/story/_/id/17310907/happened-agony-defeat-ski-jumper.
Failure can certainly be, well, failure. Most of us don’t have our failures or mistakes splashed all over the television for years, but it is a reality you must deal with and keep moving forward. Our failures do not define us, but they can help shape us. They are character builders if we allow them to be. Do not allow failure to define you but you define failure. Accurately defining failure is a good way to push through it. The right perspective on failure is freeing.
What you think about failure or mistakes will determine what your thoughts and actions will be after failing. It can become a barrier to achieving your vision. It can be depressing and cause you to doubt yourself, your skills, and even your motivation. Or you can view failure for what it is, an open door to a path of learning and progress. You have a part to play on whether it becomes a barrier to your goals or an open door to growth. Google “examples of people who learned from failure” and you will see how many incredibly successful people had to work their way through failure before achieving success. Here is a small of example of what I am talking about: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/240492
Blowing it can become a barrier to your dreams and goals if you dwell on it negatively. If you view failure as the end of something rather than a teaching moment you will quit. If you take it too personally it can be debilitating—it isn’t always you! It can be circumstantial, something beyond your control. Rather than making negative assumptions about yourself, assess the failure. Part of it may indeed be your responsibility, and that too should be viewed as a teaching moment.
I am not talking about having a positive attitude regardless of the circumstances you are facing. I am suggesting you talk yourself into something contrary to the reality you face. I am talking about having an accurate view of failure. See it for what it is—an opportunity to learn something new about life and you. Whether the failure is your responsibility entirely or a matter of circumstances beyond your control, it is an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself. You can make up your mind that you will use the failure to learn and to grow ahead of time.
I remember a time when I worked for a man who was a nightmare for a boss. He played team members against each other. He had no qualms insulting me and letting me know he didn’t trust or respect me regardless of what I did. He would pick at my flaws and provoke me to anger. Many times, I would leave the office hurt and angry. He freely used me to achieve his ends without any regard for who I was or what I was feeling. He was authoritarian and manipulative. He treated every team member that way. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I left without having any place to go. I didn’t care! I felt I was a worthless failure. I could not see any lasting value from my years of service there.
When enough time had gone by that, I could see all the lessons I learned about leadership. It was a negative experience, but it held incredibly valuable lessons on what not to do and how not to behave towards team members. For someone looking in from the outside, and me looking out from the inside, I left a failure. The reality was I left a much better person and a much better leader.
Over the years I have learned to view failure as an opportunity to learn and to grow. I do experience negative feelings, of course. I hate to fail! But it has become my default to ask, “What are the lessons for me in this?” “What am learning about myself?” Experience is a beautiful thing!
Here are some recommendations that will help you maneuver your way through failure.
Give yourself permission to fail before you fail. Keep failure in perspective and realize that you will fail at times. You will make mistakes. You will not be perfect. It will be painful. Accept it and work with it. You don’t have to let failure derail you from your goal or vision.
Take some time to reflect. Analyzing can be easier said than done. Our perspective can be skewed due to our subjectivity. That would be natural, and it is a good idea to get some outside help from someone you trust. Some things to consider would be, were the goals and timetables realistic? Were the expectations valid? Was it a systemic failure? Many other factors can and should be considered. The right coach can help you explore and assess well.
Ask yourself what the lessons are. You will not see all the lessons to be learned right away on your own. Some will be obvious, some will become clear after reflection, and some will take time. Always write down the lessons you have gleaned. The right coach can accelerate this process to help you see the lessons in a timelier manner.
Ask yourself what you have learned about yourself. Difficult times and failures are character builders if we allow them to be. Reflect on how you handled the situation. Assess your thoughts and actions. Why did you think what you thought? Why did you react the way you did?
Plan to implement. Lessons don’t do much good if you are not going to implement what you have learned. Have your mind made up ahead of time you are going to use failure to learn and to grow. Determine you will put in place what you have learned. Most of the time this requires some planning.
Slow down to speed up. I tell my clients and those I have worked with over the years it pays to slow down to put infrastructure or a strategic plan in place so down the road they can move quickly and efficiently.
Failure is an unpleasant experience. It can bring emotions of anger, fear, and depression. The word itself is unpleasant to say. In fact, my sweet wife Ellen said I used the word too often for this article. She may be right. But I don’t know of a way to sugar coat it. I could have used the word mistake more I suppose, but I don’t view mistakes with the same gravity. I did use “blow it” up there somewhere—that was for her.
How do you view failure? Write down your thoughts and reflect on them.