Dr. David Rafeedie

Note: This is the second article in a series taken from Characteristics of a Healthy Leader. https://davidthecoach.com/blog-1/2018/2/15/characteristics-of-a-healthy-leader

Bill (not his real name) received real joy out of work; he loved what he did! It was such a joy for him to be at work. He was the first one there and the last one to leave—by far. He loved it when people called late at night to leave a message on the company voice mail system, and he answered. What he loved was hearing their surprise at someone being there to answer the phone late at night.

It was so bad; Bill would tell his wife, Fran (not her real name) that he would be home for dinner at 6 pm. He would arrive at 9 pm. Bill had lost track of time. Honestly, he didn’t lose track of time; he was never on the track in the first place. Time meant nothing; work was the joy of his life.

Unfortunately for Bill, his work was not the joy of the lives of the people who were closest to him. His relationships outside the workplace were deteriorating. His friends quit calling, his relatives never saw him, and most critical of all, he became a distant husband and father. But this was all news to Bill; he was having a ball…until his health began to deteriorate. He wasn’t taking time to eat well. Emotionally, he was in a solitary place. If an objective person on the outside was to judge she might say for Bill, his career was his god. He was passionate about it; he spent all his time thinking about it, he worshipped his career and all the elements of it.

In the process, he lost his family, his friends, and his health. In the end, he even lost his career due to health reasons.

Yes, that is a worst-case scenario. It is also a true story. You may not be a workaholic; maybe you are even worse—Type A; gasp!  For this short article, I am not going to distinguish between a type A personality and a workaholic. But here is a great link that will do that for you. www.accessnewage.com/beststeps/Beststeps.cfm/609. For our purposes, both need to find balance.

Or maybe you are a people pleaser who runs around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to make everyone happy. Therefore, you have no margin. The lesson in the story above is you need balance. Everyone needs balance. Lack of balance will catch up to you. Lay people call it, “burn out,” but professionals have other names for it. You become useless to yourself, your organization, and those around you. That is if you still have someone around you.

I know that for leaders, the balance between life outside of work and career can be hard to find. We have a choice. What can we do?

Here are a few thoughts and questions to ask yourself.

Personality plays a part in this. Know yourself—quit rationalizing the unhealthy behavior. Look long and hard and fess up. Acknowledge your strengths and your weaknesses. Ask yourself, what thought patterns need to change? What are the behavioral traits and patterns that militate against finding balance in your life and work?

Acknowledge and celebrate the positive characteristics that help you achieve the success you want. Determine to identify and change those characteristics that keep you from find balance between work and life in general. Behavioral traits and patterns, some conscience and others not, can hinder our efforts at finding balance. For example, if you have low self-esteem but are the self – sacrificing type, you are probably a stressed-out people-pleaser.

Define balance for you. You need to find fulfilling actions outside of your career that will bring a healthy more balanced approach to life. Finding that balance is not a solo endeavor. Family and friends can give you some good input. Have an open dialogue with those who care about you. An outside objective person like a coach can help you find new perspective too. You may think you have balance, but if those who love and care about you don’t agree, then you probably don’t. What do you enjoy and is life-giving?

Identity is crucial. If I were to ask you, “Who are you?” What would your answer be? Would you give me your name? That is your name; it isn’t who you are. Would you tell me what you do? That isn’t who you are; it is what you do. Would you give me your lineage or talk about your family? That isn’t who you are either. Who are you? What makes you tick?

Finding balance isn’t easy if you are a driven person or a workaholic. Let’s face it; human beings can rationalize anything. We will call workaholism dedication. We will call running over people to succeed ambition. We will blame our broken relationships on others— “I have a job to do.”

It’s ok to be driven. Having ambition is ok. I think everyone should have both of those things. Maybe I am rationalizing because I am like that. I used to be like Bill above. Some of those traits I exhibited. But I have learned balance. Some of the lessons along the way were not pleasant because I had to learn the hard way. Those lessons impacted my emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Balance didn’t and does not come naturally to me. But balance can be learned and embedded in who we are. It takes intentionality and help.

As the great Japanese-American philosopher, Mr. Miyagi said in The Karate Kid, “Balance not just for karate, but for all life.” Or something like that.

I can help you discover and break through barriers and behavioral patterns keeping you from achieving balance. Contact me at info@davidthecoach.com. I would love to have a conversation to discuss working together.

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