Dr. David Rafeedie

William dreaded hearing the alarm in the mornings. It isn’t so much he minded waking up. After all, it is much better than the alternative. He loved the smell of coffee wafting from the kitchen because the pre-set timer on the coffee pot is working as it should. He enjoyed sitting in his recliner in the morning, reading the news, and drinking his coffee. Occasionally, he would grunt an acknowledgment if his wife said something to him. Life was good this time of day. No, William did not mind waking in the morning whatsoever. The reason he dreaded the alarm going off is it meant he had to go to work. He used to enjoy going to work. He loved every part of his job, the tasks, the coffee breaks with his friends, and the interactions with his boss were always productive. Then they hired her.

What made work so difficult was Ginger who was hired to replace a colleague that worked very closely with William.  They had worked together for nine years before his partner moved on to another company. They thought alike and had the same goals; they added value to the company.

But he and Ginger do not think alike. She isn’t satisfied with the company’s standing in the industry. She is a go-getter! Ginger finished near the top of her class and won the designation as most energetic in school. In her last job, she worked her colleagues under the table and was known for her plethora of ideas and excellent work. The CEO and her immediate supervisor hated to see her go. But the move was a good opportunity for her to grow and to help a company grow.

But in William’s view, she was a horrible hire. He didn’t get along with Ginger at all. If he said black, she said white. He thought she was stupid and she thought he was ignorant. It became competitive in a way that proved negative for the team and the company. If he came up with an idea to cut production costs, she would ridicule his idea. No way would he let that pass! If she came up with an idea for better customer service, he would mock her sarcastically. “Gee, where did you get that idea, a Cracker Jack box?” She called him Darth William, and he called her Ginger the Gargoyle.

No one could put their finger on when this conflict began or why. For a time, when Ginger and William began working with each other everything was fine. But it was obvious the conflict was now very personal. While there was no physical conflict, it felt like the UFC had come to their organization. I don’t watch the UFC—it is too violent for my taste and sometimes conflict at work can be hard to watch too. Conflict in an organization can be just as damaging to a person, to the team and the entire organization.

The question is not whether we will encounter conflict, the question is when. Unless one stays in bed all of one’s life, you are going to encounter conflict at some point. And conflict comes in various forms and shapes. Conflict is one of those things that people automatically consider negative. Just mention the word, and bad connotations come to mind. Not all conflict is bad—but that is a blog for another time. Let us just assume, for the sake of argument, that conflict is bad. It can be hurtful and even devastating to one’s emotions.

How one approaches conflict philosophically will determine what the outcome will be.   

• If you are inclined to fight then expect the conflict to escalate rather than lessen.

• If your response is to run from the conflict, then you can expect that nothing will change for the better. If anything, chances are good the conflict will only get bigger.

• If your perspective is that conflict is so horrible those in conflict should be punished, then you can expect the conflict not to be resolved.

• If you view conflict management as corrective, then it can be an opportunity for growth and change.

Here are a few of conflict 101 rules that will help manage conflict well.

1.       Move toward the conflict

If not managed well initially, conflict can escalate quickly. Little things can build up to be big things. Deal with the conflict swiftly and early, before it has a chance to escalate. Get the right people in the room and objectively discover what the issues are.

2.       Don’t reach for a middle-man.

Deal directly with the person first. Triangled conversations are not helpful but destructive. Getting emotional support during a tough time is one thing, but talking to people about someone else to get them to support your side of things complicates reaching a solution. The smaller the circle of involvement, the better your chances of reaching a good solution. Gossip under any guise is destructive.

3.       Deal with issues, not personalities.

Clarify the issue or issues—get the facts straight. It is important to give all the parties permission to speak forthrightly in a safe place. Do not allow it to become about personalities, but keep it on the issues. If you keep the issue from becoming personal and deal only with the issue, you have a greater chance of resolving the issue well. Once it becomes personal, the issue tends to take a backseat, and the conflict escalates. Try and shift the thinking from problems to be fixed to challenges to be overcome. In that way, they can begin looking for solutions to the issue, instead of the person to correct.

4.       Get rid of assumptions.

You can’t read anyone’s mind or see anyone’s heart. Deal with the issue or behavior, don’t try and read the motive. Keep this truism in the forefront of your thinking: assumptions are the mother of all conflicts.

5.      Once you resolve the issue, do not continue to hold it against the person.

If you keep holding it against the person, or if you keep bringing it up, even in self-talk, the issue is not resolved in your mind. Then it might be time for an objective mediator or a coach to help you personally.

Following the principles above can turn the resolution to the conflict into a win-win. Here are a couple of good questions to ask when trying to resolve any conflict.

1. Are there areas of agreement upon which you can build?

2. Where are the areas where there cannot be an agreement?

Solidify the areas of agreement—agree to disagree on the areas where there can be no agreement. Agreeing to disagree can also be an acceptable resolution to the conflict.

Everyone has a conflict management style, and it is helpful to know your style. Being familiar with your style and the other styles will help you determine which style would be most beneficial in each situation. The right coach can help you discover your style and help you work through times of conflict. If you are reading this on social media, check out my website www.davidthecoach.com for more information on success patterns, leadership, and other issues. Click on the “contact me” button if you want to have a conversation. I would love to talk with you.